Monday, June 02, 2014

Designed for the Lolly Pop Guild

A man goes on vacation and has free places to stay for him and his family.  At a couple of places the shower head comes to his nose and he constantly bangs his forehead on it.  At another place the mirror is at his chest.

The water is warm and plentiful.  The mirror is large and functional.

Is the man grateful or complaining?



Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Rest Is Gravy

Boss brings in biscuits and gravy from Bob Evans every so often as a treat to his employees or as an apology for something that he feels he has botched.

Ungrateful employee number 1 responds after two years of biscuits and gravy, "The gravy is getting kind of old. How about some eggs and sausage next time?"



Saturday, January 07, 2006

Bill Gates

"A billion dollars? I suppose now that I have it I will have to take a pie to the face and get sued by the Justice Department."



Not Enough Room to Receive It

A couple is on vacation and is looking for somewhere inexpensive to eat breakfast. They find this little restaurant. They look at the menus and the prices are extremely reasonable. They think that at that price they will get tiny portions. When they get their order they get a huge stack of pancakes and each cake is think and wide. The side of eggs they ordered turned out to be gigantic. The food looked delicious and the best part is that they stayed well within their vacation budget. As they looked at this feast the wife looks at the husband and says, "How am I supposed to eat all this?"



Gambled and Lost

A guy has a couple of Canadian quarters that he has been trying to ditch for months. He takes them accross the border and puts them in the first machine he finds. It is a slot machine. On the first quarter he hits the jackpot and the machine starts spitting hundreds of quarters at him.
"Doesn't that just figure. I go from two quarters I can't get rid of to a pile of quarters I can't get rid of."



Messed Over by the Exchange Rate

Guy from Montana wins 7 million dollars in the Canadian lottery.
"What a rip off, once I change it to US dollars it will probably only be 4 million."



Is this what they call being saved by grace?

After a long life of questionable activities, a man still finds himself in line to get into Heaven. “Even in death I’m waiting in line. One, two, three, . . . There must be fifty people in front of me. This is going to take forever.”



Friday, January 06, 2006

Murphy's Law

One lost in the depths of depression morns,"If anything can go wrong, it must be my life."



You Are Such a Geek

A guy that had a hobby of tinkering with computers. His budget always kept him to using old used parts and he was always short on storage space for all of his data that he was playing with. One day someone gave him a new 200 Gigabyte hard disk. He had been previous getting by with a couple of old 10 gig drives and stacks of CDs and floppies. He had spent a lot of time maintaining his small drives and it was very time consuming. After the initial elation of having all that space he paused and thought, "This is going to take forever to format. And just wait until I have to defrag that thing."



Thursday, December 22, 2005

For Whom the Bell Tolls

You mention to a friend at work that you are going to have to replace your doorbell. The one in the house you just bought is nonfunctional. He tells you that he and his wife just bought a wireless doorbell and she doesn't like the way the chime sounds. He says that you can have it. He just wants it out of his house. You think, "I don't care what it sounds like. I just bought this house and don't want to drop more money on it right now and a wireless doorbell sounds cool."

Your friend brings it in and gives it to you. You open your new toy up and imagine how cool this will be. You notice that it takes a special battery. You say, "I suppose I will have to look all over town when this goes dead." Your friend says, "No, I'm sure Radio Shack will have them." You then lamment, "Great, I'll have to buy an over priced battery from Radio Shack."



Sometimes Having It All Isn't Good Enough

Sally notices that one of her neighbors, Amy, is having a tough time and her house is falling into disrepair. Sally spends many weeks organizing volunteers and collecting donations to redo her neighbors' house.

One day Amy sees one of those home make over shows and thinks that it would be great if they could do Sally's house. Amy calls her local TV station and submits Sally's name. Subsequently, the network choses Sally's home to be on their show.

When they are done the home is fantastic. Everything is new again and they even added a huge family room onto the house.

As Sally is sitting in her new family room with another of her neighbors she talks about all the work she did to get vollunteers and donations and even worked on Amy's house herself and all Amy did was call a TV station.



Opening a Can of...

A certain someone brings in food from home to make their lunch with at work. They get everything out and find that they have forgotten a can opener which makes the lunch impossible. A kind coworker across the wall hears the dilema and passes over a can opener that they purchased recently. The certain someone sighs and sigh of relief and proceeds to open the can. They then comment that that type of can opener leave sharp edges on the can and they are probably going to cut themselves.



Gold Coins From Heaven

A man walks down the street and gold coins begin falling from the sky (let's assume that they are naturally occurring gold coins and were not just thrown from a plain as some sort of publicity stunt) . The man finds shelter and as he is picking up the thousands of dollars of gold coins he grumbles about the bruise on his shoulder where one of the coins struck him on its way to the ground and subsequently into his pocket.

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